Detroit, MI — In a tragic display of non-retractable emotional fatigue, the driver-side side view mirror of a 1993 Geo Metro has officially requested a transfer to a scrap yard following an unbearable influx of National Boyfriend Day social media posts.
According to internal automotive surveys, key findings regarding the mirror’s severe emotional distress include:
- Visual Fatigue: The drivers mirror does not reflect the surrounding traffic; it reflects three consecutive hours of couples filming "he's a 10 but..." videos on the hood of a three-cylinder hatchback.
- Structural Integrity: The plastic housing isn't vibrating because of highway speed. It is physically trembling from the sheer volume of acoustic-guitar covers playing through a single cracked smartphone speaker.
- Reflective Distortion: The mirror glass refuses to render soft-focus romantic lighting. It insists on displaying the harsh, unvarnished truth of a $400 car idling outside a fast-food drive-thru at 11:00 PM.
- Safety Hazards: Objects in the mirror are not closer than they appear. They are simply trying to distance themselves from the caption "He bought me a 4-pack of energy drinks because he knows my heart."
"We tried aligning the mirror to cover the driver's blind spot," stated lead automotive psychologist Dr. Aris Vance. "The glass actively pivoted itself toward the pavement to avoid having to witness another staged forehead kiss."
Engineers further noted that while the passenger-side mirror remains relatively unscathed due to only seeing oncoming traffic, the driver mirror has reached its absolute limit.
At press time, sources confirmed that if one more person uses the driver seat to film a tribute video titled "My Person," the mirror plans to detach itself completely and roll quietly into the nearest storm drain.
