Lorain, OH — Hold onto your fuzzy dice and adjust your side pipes, folks. Today isn’t just another calendar flip where some Honda Civic gets an oil change and calls it a day. Today is National Get Funky Day, and as a custom Chevrolet G10 Van with dual-tone orange flame decals and a custom-molded fiberglass bubble window, I am legally obligated—and emotionally primed—to blast Parliament through a blown 8-track speaker until my alternator melts.
The Shag Carpet Has Been Vacuumed (With a Rake)
Look, I’ve seen things in my five decades on this earth. I’ve carried disco ball fragments in my headliner and endured three different presidential administrations while idling in a roller-rink parking lot. But today calls for absolute perfection.
First order of business: fluffing the avocado-green shag carpeting. You don't just "vacuum" carpet like this; you groom it with a plastic garden rake while listening to the bassline of Superfly. The ambient scent of stale patchouli, burnt transmission fluid, and 1978 cherry air freshener is finally peaking at optimum levels.
Respect "The One": A Masterclass in V8 Rhythm
People ask me, "Red, how does a 350 Small Block V8 groove?"
It’s all about syncopation, baby. When my choke valve sticks on a cold morning, that isn't a mechanical failure—that’s a heavy, syncopated rhythm on the downbeat. That’s "The One." While modern hybrid sedans whisper along in boring, smooth silence, my timing chain clacks in perfect 4/4 time. If you stand near my rear differential while I’m idling at a red light, you’re not hearing a loose muffler; you’re hearing pure, unadulterated street funk.
The Bubble Window Doesn't Lie
They don't make portal-shaped side windows anymore, and frankly, that’s where modern society lost its way. When the sun hits my rear quarter-panel just right today, the amber tint casts a warm, psychedelic glow across the wood-paneled interior that could make Bootsy Collins shed a tear.
My itinerary for the day is strictly groovy:
- 09:00 AM: Cruise past the local auto parts store extra slow so the fuel-injected crossovers know what real chrome looks like.
- 12:00 PM: Park at a 45-degree angle across two spots to properly display the wizard painting on my driver-side door.
- 04:00 PM: Vibrate the license plate to the rhythm of "Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucker)."
A Message to the Modern Plastic Pods
To the 2024 crossover utility vehicles parked around me in this driveway: I see you charging your batteries. I see your aerodynamic curves designed in a wind tunnel by a computer that has never even heard a slap-bass solo.
You may have lane-assist and Bluetooth, but do you have a fold-out velvet bench seat and a wood-rimmed chain-link steering wheel? Didn’t think so. So step aside, clear the lane, and let a real 1970s legend roll through.
Keep it funky, keep the oil topped off, and remember: if the van’s a-rockin’... it’s probably just my worn-out suspension bushings, but let’s pretend it’s the music.
