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# Forgotten 1973 Buick LeSabre Prays Daily to be Rescued by Derek Bieri Before Rust Completely Eats Its Floorboards
- URL: https://www.randombolt.com/forgotten-1973-buick-lesabre-prays-daily-to-be-rescued-by-derek-bieri-before-rust-completely-eats-its-floorboards/
- Published: 2026-10-09T17:00:39.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-19T16:10:24.000Z
- Author: Eddie Torr
- Tags: News

**Lanesboro, MN**— Sitting knee-deep in a swampy tree row behind a barn that collapsed in 1998, a 1973 Buick LeSabre custom sedan confirmed Tuesday that it spends every waking hour hallucinating the sound of a trailer backing down the driveway.

The 4,500-pound land yacht, whose emerald-green paint was long ago replaced by a rich, velvety lichen, has spent the last 34 years serving as a high-density apartment complex for three generations of field mice. However, local sources report the vehicle hasn't given up hope of viral internet fame.

### **A Tailor-Made "Will It Run and Drive 700 Miles?" Candidate**

"Look at me," the Buick reportedly gurgled through a heavily oxidized intake manifold. "I’m 19 feet of solid American steel, my fuel tank is 80% varnish, and my rear frame rails are mostly an idea at this point. I am literally tailor-made for a two-hour YouTube video."

The LeSabre laid out its ideal rescue scenario, which heavily features YouTube host Derek Bieri pulling up in a truck, looking directly into a camera, and uttering the sacred words: "Well, let's bring a fella along."

According to the car's remaining functional gauges, its dream resurrection involves:

- **12 Cans of Penetrating Oil:** Soaking into cylinder walls that haven't seen motion since the Reagan administration.
- **A Screwdriver Jump-Start:** Bridging the starter solenoid in a shower of sparks while someone yells, "Bring the thunder!"
- **The Bottle-Feed Special:** Bypassing a completely rotted gas line by running a rubber hose directly into a gallon jug of mid-grade gasoline wedged between the rear seats and Derek’s luggage.
- **Clear-Coat Magic:** A generous slathering of linseed oil or "shine juice" to really make the bullet holes and surface rust pop.

### **"I Just Want to Cough Fire and Make a Noise"**

While neighboring junk cars have accepted their fate of eventually returning to the earth or being recycled into toaster ovens, the '73 Buick remains fiercely ambitious.

"I don't need a fancy frame-off restoration," the Buick stated, as its driver-side mirror slowly succumbed to gravity. "I don't want to sit in a climate-controlled garage next to a trailer-queen Corvette that gets feathered down the road by a guy wearing jorts and crisp New Balance sneakers. I want a guy in a button up shirts to slap a fresh battery in me, bypass the brake light switch with a pair of vice-grips, and attempt to drive me 700 miles across four state lines with no registration and three mismatched bias-ply tires."

At press time, the Buick was seen attempting to manifest Bieri’s presence by intentionally jamming its own Quadrajet carburetor with extra acorn shells, ensuring that any potential revival would involve at least forty-five minutes of creative swearing and a small engine fire.